Look, I'm not here to judge people for being unable to control their bodily functions. Everyone gets sick, everyone has bad days (or extremely bad days), and everyone experiences excruciatingly embarrassing situations. It's a bummer, but it's a fact of life.

But blaming one of those situations for why you committed theft? Probably not the best move. Because not only are you going to get caught, but people all over the country are going to know and joke about you and how you blamed your thieving thief ways on your inability to stop your bowel movements.

It's like the old lady we featured a few months ago who blamed her hit and run on diarrhea. Why would that be your first choice? Why not go sitcom-style and say that you had a bout of amnesia after a coconut fell on your head or something? Come on, people. Come on. Get it together.