How To Survive A Hudson Valley Horror Movie
You are running in the dark. Jason Voorhees is chasing you. He is getting closer and closer. What do you do?
Luckily, you're on Route 9 in the Hudson Valley, so you have options (Jason usually hangs out in the woods, but in this movie he's in the suburbs; He went to space at one point, anything's possible). This horror movie might have a happy ending after all - here are a few ways you can outrun Jason on Route 9 and hide out until morning.
1. Hide Out in the Poughkeepsie Galleria
If there's one thing we know about horror movies, it's that they never take place in abandoned malls... wait, ok, nevermind. But this is still a good idea. Find yourself a good hiding place in the mall, and that place is big enough that there's no way Jason finds you by morning. I recommend getting in one of the go-karts at K1 Speed in case you need to make a quick getaway.
2. McDonald's Is Your Friend
The McDonald's on Route 9 is open 24 hours, so you can just go inside and let the employees deal with Jason from there. They already dealt with insane Rick and Morty fans about that whole Szechuan Sauce thing, I'm sure they can handle Jason.
3. Attack Him with the CIA
The CIA operates right here in the Hudson Valley, and their base is located on Route 9. Jason is no match for these highly-skilled agents... hold up, oh, nevermind, it's the Culinary Institute of America. Different CIA. Well, those chefs will give him a run for his money, I'm sure.
4. Head to the Waterfront
Jason's weakness is drowning, and though he's come back from it, it still messes him up. Just run to the Hudson River and he'll probably just say "screw it" and move on to someone else.
5. Just Call an Uber
We have Uber in the Hudson Valley now, remember! Get an Uber to pick you up, it's that simple. Just make sure Jason doesn't get in on a shared ride with you. That might make things awkward.