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Keep Your Strippers Away From My Mom!

(Photo by Steve Eason/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

You look and you consider and you weigh your options. It’s a big decision. What do you do with the person who has loved you the most, the most unconditionally, and literally since before you were born? Your mother has reached that age and it’s time to put her in the care of trained professionals who can best cater to her needs in her declining health.

You want to surround her with warm, gentle people, a relaxing environment, and…

Strippers.

Wait, what?

Apparently, the East Neck Nursing & Rehabilitation Center in West Babylon, Long Island has decided that an important part of caring for the elderly is providing strippers, and one son is unhappy about it. According to CBS News, Bernice Youngblood, an 86-year-old resident was “photographed by nursing home staff as a muscular, almost nude male dancer gyrated in front of her.”

Her son found this photo of her stuffing United States currency into the junk of a young man and filed a MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR LAWSUIT.

Look, I care about the elderly as much as anyone… but hey, they’re not dead! What else do you want them to do? Spend all day watching old VHS tapes of the Lawrence Welk show and wait for death? Let grandma try to get it in.

Let’s think about some of the other victims here: the strippers. These guys have to go home to their partners and manage to get an erection after spending the afternoon getting their asses smacked by women with blue hair named Myrtle. They walk around reeking of Polydent and Ensure the rest of the day. They risk injuries because old people are used to change being worth something so instead of making it rain dollars, they throw nickels at them.

In all seriousness, I hope this man’s mother and any other residents are not traumatized by this performance. And if they find that wrongdoing did occur, well I hope they get their 7 figure sum… So this man’s mother will have millions to shove into the crotches of guys who look like they should be in a Calvin Klein cologne ad.

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