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Kickball players: Keep it in your pants!

(Photo by Micah Walter/Getty Images)

Remember that dude who took kickball way too seriously on the playground? Maybe that person was you. And if that personĀ was you: you were definitely out at 3rd, Kevin, so stop whining about it. It’s 2014.

But apparently, that has mentality has carried into adulthood. Thanks to the proliferation of adult kickball leagues all over the place, some people want to make sure you know kickball is Serious Business.

 

COME ON, THAT WAS A FOUL BALL! (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

So serious, in fact, that one coach in particular has sent an email to the males on his team, threatening to ban them from competition if they don’t follow his “Five Week Rule.”

Oh, you don’t know the Five Week Rule?

That’s the rule that you can’t have sex with any of your teammates until at least week 5 of the season, lest you ruin the team’s chances of winning the tournament.

No, seriously:

Winning on the kickball field is based on three things. How well the men play, how well the women play, and if the women show up. Literally, leagues are won and lost on whether or not enough women show up towards the end of the season. Everyone thinks kickball is a great game, they all want to play, then towards the end of the season, attendance tapers off, and you’re begging and pleading for people to show up to fill out the team, and it doesn’t happen, and you forfeit, and you’re pissed, and it sucks. SUCKS.

The main reason for this, is screwing. No joke, you bang some chick, she’s ashamed, maybe you sucked at it (none of us, obviously) and she doesn’t want to see you, therefore she doesn’t show up again.

Seems like a fun guy with excellent priorities. If you’d like to read the rest of his manifesto, you can head on over to Deadspin (some NSFW language) and be compelled by the Power of Dodgeball.

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