Six Flags Fiesta Texas has opened up a new Batman ride, which they call, wait for it, "Batman: The Ride", and they boast that it's 4D. Not only do you go up and down, but your seat on the ride now spins independently of the car it's attached to. So you've got this goofy wavy ride going over camelbacks, all while your seat if just spinning out in space on a bunch of ball bearings lubricated by your own tears and bile.

Look, I like roller coasters a whole lot. I always liked to be the guy not holding on during the entire ride and the faster the better. But enough is enough. I can only think of the fluid in my ears shifting rapidly in my skull, and walking off that ride covered in my own sick, as if I've been spun in a washing machine and having an entire crowd of people laughing at me.

Normally I don't mind public humiliation, but I don't need a group of strangers to gain the ability to guess my eating habits by looking at what's left of it in my hair.

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