Pokemon Go is Going to Bring the End of Civilization
The end is near, my friend. And it's all because of Ash Ketchum.
I mean, who didn't grow up in the 90s dreaming of running around through their neighborhood, through the woods, around the city finding the rarest of Pokemon and snagging them by trapping them inside of miniature balls before forcing them into combat not unlike illegal dogfighting? It's an adorable nostalgic dream. And now it's reality!
If you haven't heard about it--or more likely if you haven't heard people around you losing their minds trying to catch a Charmander in a public restroom at a ballpark or whatever--it's an endlessly addictive game that has captured the world at large in a way that we haven't seen since Candy Crush. You wander around your day-to-day life and thanks to the beauty of technology, there are Pokemon located all over the real world that you try to "catch" within the app.
Predictably, this is incredibly distracting and preoccupying and has people trying to get them everywhere they go. Like our station intern and friend, E, who has been spending the entirety of this morning doing something along the lines of this:
This is going to--and has already begun to--cause problems. Right here in our building, there are "joking"-but-not-really arguments going on about the fact that all the Pokemon have been caught by others. There have been instances of people finding dead bodies while on the hunt for Pokemon.
Since I automatically catastrophize things and find the most disastrous result in my head before anything even happens, I've put together a list of some things that might happen if you don't keep your Pokemon Go addiction in check. Just looking out for you and trying to make sure that your recreational Pokemon habit doesn't lead to you becoming maimed or injured physically or mentally.
You Might Get Yourself Robbed
It sounds really stupid but... well, it's happened. Thanks to the app leading people to very specific areas, it's easy to tell where there are potential victims, all of them too preoccupied to know what's going on around them. Seriously, it went down in Missouri. It's not worth getting a gun shoved in your face because you think you might catch a Pikachu. For real. Stay within Poke-areas where you're comfortable. Don't go wandering out into a parking lot at the edge of town at 2am. Not even just for Pokemon, that's just solid life advice.
You Might End Up Wandering Somewhere You Don't Belong
Look at that dude up there. He looks like he just discovered a Mewtwo. You think he's paying attention what he's doing or where he's walking? Of course not. My man is so enthralled in the game, he might be five steps away from wandering in front of a bread truck. He might end up stepping off a ledge and down into a pit of molten lava. He might stumble upon a ritualistic animal sacrifice. Or, worst of all, you might aimlessly drift into a Meghan Trainor concert--shudder to think, I know. Chills ran down my spine, too. But whatever is happening, be aware of your surroundings. Not faceplanting into the wall is more important than Squirtle, dude.
You Might Alienate Your Friends and Loved Ones
This one is a very real possibility and I know it is because I've fallen victim to this one a fair amount. You get so into a new game, maybe a new app, maybe a new social media trend that you absolutely neglect human interaction. Look at that guy. He's over here trying to get his wife to, I don't know, talk about the difference between Camus' concept of absurdist philosophy and the existential nihilism put forth in the mid-century work of Jean-Paul Sartre.
Okay, so that's probably not what he wants. But we will never know, will we? She's too busy chasing Digletts to be aware of her surroundings. Don't be this person.
Just a few warnings for you. Other than that, hey, enjoy. It's definitely more fun than going to meetings and being a responsible, productive member of society. But don't go too crazy, okay?