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Thanksgiving, or: The Politics of Dessert

Proper Thanksgiving attire. (Youtube)

Thanksgiving is almost upon us and, like many people, it’s my favorite holiday. Of course it’s always great to take time to be appreciative of all the people and relationships that enrich our lives.

All right, now that that obligatory sentimentality is out of the way, let’s talk about the actual reason Thanksgiving is the best: food.

Thanksgiving is the greatest because of the variety of pies. Naturally, pumpkin and apple are the traditional and popular pies. But really, any pie works. Blueberry, cherry, boysenberry (whatever the hell that is); all is fair game when it comes to Thanksgiving pie. It’s the one day of the year when pie takes the dessert spotlight away from cake.

 

 

(Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

 

That’s right: *CONTROVERSIAL OPINION*  cake sucks.

 

 

“Did somebody say pie?” (photo by Keith Allison)

 

 

Okay, so that’s a bit strong. I enjoy cake. Or, more accurately, I enjoyed cake. Unfortunately, like commercials starring Blake Griffin and flash mob videos, something that I once mildly enjoyed has been so run into the ground that I have no choice but to view it as a mortal enemy against which I must rage.

 

 

 

 

 

Please, enough with the cake!

 

 

 

Most desserts are good even when they’re bad. Who’s going to complain about ice cream in any condition? Even weird, overdone pudding is kind of charming. But even sort of bad cake resembles something that you’d scrub dishes with or serve to prisoners in the 1800s. Or something you’d make prisoners from the 1800s scrub dishes with.

 

 

 

Even good cake is described as “moist,” an adjective which I think we can all agree is unpleasant at best and nauseating and repulsive at worst.

 

 

“This cake is dreadful!” (Photo by Patrick Wymore, Fox)

Believe me, I appreciate a well-decorated cake and the craft that goes into it. Go nuts, build a life-sized rocketship or an accurate rendering of Gordon Ramsay’s massive head out of
cake.

 

 

 

 

 

But, of course, that’s more for show than for eating. Let’s let the cake thing rest for a little while. It doesn’t need to go away entirely, just for a few centuries. Kill that instinct to have cake at even the slightest of celebrations. It’s lazy and you’re settling. Mix it up! Go nuts. Get yourself an ice cream sundae. Grab some banana cream pie. What about a brownie? Yes, I’m declaring that brownies aren’t a form of cake because this is my dumb blog and I make the decisions. I am the Kaiser of the Anti-Cake Articles.

To answer what you may or may not be asking silently: “Does your irrational opposition to cake extend to wedding cakes?”

“In sickness and in health, until dessert do you part” (Photo by Tom Harpel)

Of course it does. My intolerance for cake is just one of the many undesirable eccentricities that some poor, patient, tolerant woman is going to have to accept.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that my stance on this issue might mean I am alone for the rest of my life, but that’s okay: at least I’ll have pie.

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