Trip to the 90s: Please, Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em: The Movie [VIDEO]

I'm here to bring you joys and horrors you might have forgotten from your childhood. In this instance, MC Hammer made a direct-to-video movie in 1990. It's everything you expect and more.

Thanks to the wonder of YouTube and the benevolence of people who want to share hilariously awful nostalgic things, this entire award-worthy film is right here for your viewing pleasure:

But since I know you might not have 47 minutes to devote to a bizarre, terribly-acted film featuring Hammer (I can't relate, because I can't imagine a more important and necessary way to spend your time), I've decided to summarize it for you, piece by piece.

Hammer returns to his home town of Oakland and immediately there is literal dancing in the streets. Then they proceed into a boxing gym and... take over the ring so they can dance in it?

Later, you get an absurdly long, unfunny, and probably incredibly offensive segment of Hammer as a preacher. I say "probably" offensive because growing up with the internet has completely demolished my ability to determine what's actually socially acceptable and what is considered dangerous, disgusting, or antisocial behavior.

Seriously, it takes 20 minutes for this scene to end.

When Hammer's haircut is the least insane thing in a movie, you know you're in for something good:

I'm really crediting a photo to Teen Beat for this article. I must love you so much. (Photo by Teen Beat)

But we find out that Hammer has returned to Oakland for a reason: to save the children from a drug dealer in the community. Because there's one thing hardened drug dealers are afraid of: dudes in glasses wearing oversized pants.

We also learn that apparently the only thing you need to do to get in a club in Oakland circa 1990 is to dance for the bouncer.

Somehow Hammer saves the kids through dancing or something? I don't know, I had to stop watching because I got a really unbearable pain in my brain behind my eyes from watching this thing.

So there you have it. Hammer showed up with his weird, doofy haircut, took some kids to a recording studio with him, saved them from the perils of drug addiction and the social havoc it creates, and that's why Oakland is the utopia it is today.

Thanks, Hammer. For not hurtin' em.