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What’s in YOUR Gift Basket?

 

(Photo by Michael Heiman/Getty Images)

Derek Jeter is retiring after this season. Of course, this means we can look forward to 8 solid months of reflection of the great moments on his admittedly stellar baseball career.

It also means we can look back on the great moments in his admittedly stellar career of sleeping with swimsuit models. For instance, his habit of sending women home with gift baskets.

So it makes me think: what would be in my gift basket? I mean, sure, I don’t use the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue like a Pottery Barn catalog the way Derek Jeter probably does, but I can dream, can’t I? So here are some items I would put in the Deuce Starter Kit:

 

(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

1. Fancy-Ass Belgian Beer

I mean, if we’re assuming price is no object (as it isn’t one for DJ), I’d throw a bottle of Westvleteren XII in there, an incredibly difficult-to-acquire and delicious bottle of beer. Otherwise, a good Flemish red ale, like Rodenbach. Drink in style, y’all.

 

(Photo by Karl Walter)

2. A copy of Dinosaur Jr.’s You’re Living All Over Me and Nas’ Illmatic

Both of those albums are formative to me and, as far as I’m concerned, essential listening. There’s nothing like vivid tales of urban decay and J. Mascis singing about collapsing lungs to say “Thanks for letting me have sex with you.”

 

(Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

3. Crazy Basketball Sneakers

You look good and you’re comfortable. Because, after all, there is nothing I care about more than the comfort of those around me.

 

4. A WRRV T-Shirt

I’m not allowed to have WRRV t-shirts because I think there’s a grand conspiracy to prevent me from representing the station in public. I think management fears I will damage the brand and/or do/say something that they do not want to be held accountable for. So, I guess I’ll have to give them this homemade voucher for one:

I think the smiley face adds a nice touch. Dignified.

(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

5. An iPhone

Again, if money is no object, why not provide an iPhone? Okay, I don’t want to make it sound like I’m being too generous; the reality is, the phone will be pre-loaded with a Twitter account that follows me on Twitter. Whatever, man. I’ve gotta get that follower count up there somehow. By any means necessary.

 

So, what’s in your basket?

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