A Canadian man is accused of trying to smuggle 38 turtles into the country by taping them to his leg under his pants.

Look, I'm sure there's some kind of logical, rational explanation; it's probably something incredibly nefarious involving rare turtle breeding or shell-harvesting of some variety for jewelry or something or cuisine using ingredients that are not socially or possibly legally acceptable. I have no idea what the turtle smuggler was thinking (by the way, doesn't "turtle smuggler" sound like an insult from Star Wars or something? "You nerf-herding turtle smuggler!").

I'm hoping, for this guy's sake, that these are not snapping turtles, by the way.

What I do know is that there's no way his real story is as compelling as the one I imagine him to have below. Check it out and then try to figure out for yourself what exactly is going on here.