How To Survive A Hudson Valley Earthquake
There was an earthquake in the Hudson Valley yesterday. Now is the time to PANIC!
Or, more accurately, there was a slight tremor in the ground that barely anyone felt that only lasted for a few seconds. So... now is the time to PANIC!
We don't really ever feel earthquakes in the Hudson Valley, so even when one measures a 2.2 on the Richter Scale and only has an effect on Highland Falls for like two seconds, we're going to make it a big deal. And we're going to PANIC!
Here's how to survive one of these terrifying Hudson Valley earthquakes.
1. Wear Earthquake Boots At All Times - Avoid those slight tremors in the ground by wearing really thick shoes!
2. Remove All Glass From Your House And Replace It With Bubble Wrap - What? I'm not crazy, you're crazy!
3. Drink That Anti-Earthquake Potion You Got From The Wizard Down The Street - His name is Jeff, and he says it totally works.
4. Never Feed The Earthquake After Midnight - I may have gotten my rules crossed on this one, but better safe than sorry.
5. Always Stand At Least Ten Feet Away From Anyone You're Having A Conversation With - At this point, they'll probably be trying to avoid you anyway.
Remember, these are the only ways to guarantee safety during a Hudson Valley earthquake. Who knows what could happen if you're not wearing your Earthquake Boots? Be on the safe side of the earthquake. We gain nothing by losing our heads.