‘I Got Attacked by Female Bigfoot’ – NY Man Makes Absurd Assault Claim!
A dog trainer in New York claims that he was sexually molested by a female bigfoot in one of the most bizarre (NSFW) 5-minute videos I've ever seen.
Apparently, this video has been floating around the internet for a while now, viewed more than a million times. And please don't ask what kind of rabbit hole I went down that led me to this, or how and why it ended it up in my feed.
Peter Cain from Beavers Dam, NY claims to be a dog trainer, but I can't figure out if he's the most whacked-out human being on the planet, an unhinged comedian, or just really, really, REALLY unfortunate.
And while I would never undermine anyone who makes a sexual assault claim, I think it's safe to say that Cain might be a little more cockeyed than the guy you see wearing a tinfoil hat, shouting at people through a megaphone that you "must rip all the wires out of your house so the government can't listen to your thoughts."
Cain claims that he was out in the woods by a dry creek bed when he heard some rustling in the trees. Thinking that it was one of his dogs, he examined it further.
And that's when he claims a female Bigfoot (or a She-Squatch) came after him and ripped his clothes off and began doing all sorts of inexplicable things to him and his sascrotch.
While I won't get into specifics of the ordeal, let's just say that according to a distraught Cain, she tore into his Jack Links like she hadn't eaten in weeks. I know what it's like when I get hangry, but this is on a whole other level and according to Cain, she was 7, or 8 feet tall and had quite the voracious appetite.
The acting in this goofy video is so spot-on; the pain he wears in his expression is so authentic, for a split second....ah never mind.
I'll never be able to un-hear him saying, 'I can't get clean...I can't get clean!"
Here's a LINK to the video. It's NOT kid-friendly and I'm warning you ahead of time, it is Not Safe for Work!
I'm still waiting for a "part 2" but much like Bigfoot, it appears to be nonexistent. Cain did leave us with the ultimate cliffhanger when he added, "She could be pregnant with my child."
Now that would make one hairy sequel.