What Useless Crap Did You Buy for Prime Day?

It's that beautiful time of year: Amazon's enormous garage sal--er, Prime Day. What's Prime Day? Well, here's the description in the retail giant's own words:

Hooray, it's Prime Day, the one-day-only global shopping event exclusively for Prime members! It's the biggest deal event of the year, with new deals starting as often as every five minutes all day today.

Sounds pretty good, right?

Wrong.

It's some pretty okay deals on some things you want or need, and it's amazing deals on crap you don't have any use for, but will buy anyway because it's such a great bargain on something you think you might possibly one day need for at least five minutes and you want to be prepared for that one moment in your life wherein you could use a retractable woodchipper cord rack or something.

So, in order to publicly shame myself for how irresponsible I am with money--ironic, given the fact that the only reason I'm buying most of this stuff is because of the illusion of saving money, despite money being spent on stuff you don't need is the complete antithesis of money saved--I am going to share with you a few of the purchases I've made on Amazon already today. Some of these are Prime deals, some of these I just happened to see while perusing Prime Day deals and decided I couldn't live without.

There's plenty of stuff I need and that would make my life better, but why would I take care of those things when I can impulsively indulge my need to feel good through irrational purchases on nonsense like this:

A Completely Stupid Amount of Combs

Not long ago, I purchased an expensive comb. Because the ocean of my vanity has no actual floor, I thought it would be a completely rational investment to buy a $13 comb. Yeah. A piece of plastic. "But, but, but, but... it's hand crafted," I told myself. "I really deserve a good-quality comb."

What I didn't consider--or what I didn't allow myself to consider--is the fact that combs are among the most easily-lost items on planet earth. And of course, I lost it. Yep, I lost my stupid, $13 comb.

So in order to rectify this problem, I decided I was going to be responsible and get myself some inexpensive combs. How many combs? Well, I was going to spend the same amount of money but get as many inexpensive combs as I could.

That's how I ended up with 72 combs. Even if I believed in reincarnation, I would never in any of my lives need 72 combs. I have enough combs to open several SuperCuts franchises. But, hey, at least it was a bargain.

Apparently Freddie Prinze Jr. Wrote a Cookbook and I Bought It

To paraphrase Billy Madison: "I bought the Freddie Prinze Jr. cookbook... because I'd never seen a Freddie Prinze Jr. cookbook. And to be honest with you... I wanted to see a Freddie Prinze Jr. cookbook."

Look, I do 99% of the things I do in my life in order to amuse myself. I am sure I will find it amusing to see people try to figure out why there's a Freddie Prinze Jr. cookbook on proud display in my kitchen. And if I get a decent gazpacho recipe or something out of it, well, bonus.

For the record, the Prime Day deal was way better than $16.56.

I Bought Beard Oil Even Though I Don't Have A Beard

I have an on-again, off-again relationship with my beard. It's been unmanageably, had-to-listen-to-everyone's-"LOL You look like ZZ Top"-jokes long. It's been typical lumberjack fluffy. It's also been nonexistent, as I've had it for the past several months.

But that didn't stop me from thinking about the "What if?" Here's how my thought process worked:

Do I have a beard? No. Might I have a beard in the future? Yes.

Do I like the texture of a beard when I have it? Answer undetermined. Could the texture be improved? Yes.

Welp, two yeses means I better get this stuff so that one day when I have a beard and that beard needs a softer relationship with my very sensitive sense of touch, I'll have that covered. Boom. Look at me, solving problems. Next up: world hunger. Then world peace. Then why people insist on putting toilet paper on the roll the wrong way.

Oh, Hey, Video Game Accessories I'll Never Use

I have a severe problem buying video game accessories I have absolutely no use for. It's so bad I'm surprised I don't buy accessories for systems I don't even have. I look at something like a sticker to put on your controller that has your favorite football team's logo on it and decide I have to have it. This thing apparently cools down your PS4 to stop overheating (I've never had my PS4 overheat), it charges your controllers (my PS4--like all of them--is capable of charging my controllers) and it neatly holds your PS4 in an upright tower (I keep my console on its side).

So, as you can see, every sign points to this thing being a completely useless hunk of plastic for me... but what if in the future I decide that the Feng Shui of my living quarters requires that the console be stored in an upright position? Or that I go crazy and start having conversations with my controllers and discover that they are unhappy being charged through a traditional cable? Well, in those incredibly likely circumstances, I will have been more prepared than an Eagle Scout, won't I?

I hope you got and will continue to get great deals today. But in general, I hope you have better impulse control than I do and don't fill up your Amazon shopping cart with completely, utterly useless wastes of money. Happy Prime Day!