Let's face it, there were a lot of unnecessary things about emo aside from the questionably long song titles. From pants that were way too tight to hair that had five-too many colors in it, our world was extra as hell. But the thing that tends to get overlooked the most when looking back on the scene are the ridiculously long names that bands gave our favorite songs.
Fall Out Boy and Panic! at the Disco were probably the two groups who really pushed the practice into the mainstream, but it trickled down to smaller level bands as well. We put together a list of some of the most absurd, excessive and just flat-out unneeded titles of tracks from our youth.
The Chariot - Everything Is Alive, Everything Is Breathing, Nothing Is Dead, and Nothing Is Bleeding(Solid State Records, 2004)
"Someday, in the Event That Mankind Actually Figures Out What It Is That This World Revolves Around, Thousands of People are Going to Be Shocked and Perplexed to Find Out It Was Not Them. Sometimes, This Includes Me."
This title is so long it won't even fit in our title section. Who knows what Josh Scogin is actually talking about in any song, but the guy definitely knows how to make it seem like he’s a poet. He also says, “My closet holds no bones,” over 10 times in a row in this song. Take that for what you will.
Attack Attack! - Someday Came Suddenly(Rise Records, 2008)
“What Happens If I Can't Check My MySpace When We Get There"
There was constant talk of Attack Attack! being a Christian band after Someday Came Suddenly dropped. The lyrics on the album speak for themselves, with a majority being centered around belief in a higher power. “What Happens…” is slightly more vague in its delivery, but it still ultimately conveys some sort of enlightened outlook on life. Johnny Franck sings on the chorus, “Come on have some selflessness / Don't give into arrogance / Sleep with peace tonight.”
Fall Out Boy - From Under the Cork Tree(Island, 2005)
"I Slept With Someone In Fall Out By And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me"
Does anyone actually know what any Fall Out Boy song is about? Kanye said it best on his remix of “This Ain’t a Scene…” in 2008: “Now, I don’t know what the hell this song is talking ‘bout / Do you? / She said, ‘Yeah, I’ve been spending all day trying to figure that out / You too?’"
Underoath - They’re Only Chasing Safety (Tooth & Nail Records, 2005)
"I've Got 10 Friends And A Crowbar That Says You Ain't Gonna Do Jack"
It didn’t take long for “10 Friends…” to become one of those classic fan-favorite B-sides of the emo era. (From First to Last’s “Failure by Designer Jeans,” anyone? Or Saosin’s “I Can Tell…”?) Recorded during Underoath’s They’re Only Chasing Safety period, the track’s actual meaning has long been debated among fans, but many speculate it’s frontman Spencer Chamberlain’s perspective when he first joined the band. Believe it or not, he was met with a lot of opposition from fans of the group’s original vocalist, Dallas Taylor. It’s funny to look back on now with the way history played out, but Chamberlain actually got some adverse reactions for “trying too hard to be Dallas” once Safety came out. Obviously, however, bringing Spencer in ended up being one of the best decisions the band ever made.
Panic! At The Disco - A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out(Fueled By Ramen, 2005)
"There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of It Yet"
Like most songs from Fever, “There’s a Good Reason…” is about broken love through the lens of theatrical emo. Revisiting this song and Fever as a whole, it’s clear how much they fucked up with Pretty. Odd. Don’t do drugs and fall in love with the Beatles, kids.
Chiodos - Bone Palace Ballet(Equal Vision Records, 2007)
"The Undertaker's Thirst For Revenge Is Unquenchable (The Final Battle)"
Two things: First, pretty much any Chiodos song could’ve made this list. And second, also like nearly every Chiodos song, it’s about Craig either being pissed at his ex-girlfriend or just the world in general. “I existed because I dreamed / And well, I dream no more / I've given up on the entire human race.” Yeah, okay Mr. Owens. (All Craig shade aside, he was undeniably the scene’s biggest star during the Bone Palace Ballet cycle.)
I Set My Friends On Fire - You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter (Epitaph, 2008)
"Reese's Pieces, I Don't Know Who John Cheese Is?"
I Set My Friends On Fire were never meant to be taken seriously. Despite a handful of kickass post-hardcore hooks, it was a joke from start. That being said, “Reese’s Pieces... “ could still certainly be filed away in songs that fucked the emotional development of scene kids. In short, it’s about finding your lover with another person, killing them both and really enjoying it. Different times, man.
Dance Gavin Dance - Acceptance Speech(Rise Records, 2007)
"Turn Off The Lights, I'm Watching Back To The Future"
Jonny Craig is an ass. (But shoutout to Jon Mess for actually managing to make the title of this song part of the lyrics, as well.)
Broadway - Kingdoms (Uprising Records, 2009)
"Don't Jump The Shark Before You Save The Whale"
Broadway’s debut album Kingdoms was an unsung post-hardcore masterpiece of the late 2000s. “Don’t Jump…” is a melody-infused banger that seems to actually just be about keeping a positive attitude when life goes to shit. (And yes, Jonny Craig is on this song. Funny enough, he’s credited on Spotify as Jonny Craig of Emarosa.)
The Devil Wears Prada - Dear Love: A Beautiful Discord(Rise Records, 2006)
"Who Speaks Spanish, Colon Quesadilla"
Youth group kids, eat your hearts out. This song definitely has something to do with God.
Norma Jean - Bless the Martyr and Kiss the Child(Solid State Records, 2002)
"Pretty Soon, I Don’t Know When, But Something Is Going To Happen"
This song is over 15 minutes long and former Norma frontman Josh Scogin yells the word “time” nearly 20 times. That’s pretty much all you need to know.
He Is Legend - 91025(Tribunal Records, 2004)
"Either They Decorated For Christmas Early Or They're All Dead"
At face value, most He Is Legend songs are nasty rock ‘n’ roll acid trips. “Either They Decorated…” lives up to that statement without fault. It’s like they took an episode of X-Files and turned it into a post-hardcore opera. Just remember, kids, “You’ll never see the gardener or the white picket fences pass the graves.”
Emery - Eve (Bad Chrsitian Music, 2018)
"People Always Ask Me If We're Gonna Cuss In An Emery Song"
Emery deserve a lot of credit for the way they’ve preserved their career. Much like The Maine has done with their 8123 collective, Emery has created a community with Bad Christian. What started out as a podcast has evolved into a record label, books, more podcasts, merchandise and even more. A big draw to the original Bad Christian concept was a progressive outlook on a faith-based lifestyle, which touched on everything from sex, porn, addiction and, among many other things, cursing (which they do a fuck-ton of). So, it’s only fitting that they release a song about all the times they’ve been asked if they will ever cuss in one.
From First To Last - Dear Diary, My Teenage Angst Has A Body Count(Epitaph, 2004)
"I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked On the Internet"
Again, file this under songs that emotionally screwed emo kids. You can guess what it’s about. “Sometimes love can leave you blind / But still you try to cover all the lies / And ignore all the signs.”
Saosin - Translating The Name (Death Do Us Part, 2003)
"They Perched On Their Stilts, Pointing And Daring Me To Break Custom"
God, Saosin were fuckin’ badasses. That lead riff near the end of “They Perched…” grooves like nothing post-hardcore had ever heard in 2003. This song might be about thinking you have nothing to look forward to in life, but Translating the Name truly helped usher the scene into a new era.