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Video Time-Warp #11: Nine Days – “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)”

(Photo by General Photographic Agency/Getty Images)

Imagine the migraine one would have if he or she cried enough to fill an entire room. Crazy, right? Well, this is is the story of a girl who cried a RIVER and that river drowned the whole WORLD. The pressure on the sinuses, the physical exhaustion. It’s almost too much for the mind to comprehend. It’s biblical in stature.

I attempted to look into whether or not there were medical conditions that would cause this. The only thing that I could find that would cause someone’s eyes to run uncontrollably was “Having to watch Nancy Grace on TV.” That wasn’t much of a help.

Although I continued to be concerned about the girl in question, I pressed on to watch this video. I’m now also concerned about the construction of this apartment building. It doesn’t seem to have passed any sort of inspection and I can’t help but judge the slumlord who allowed this home to fall into such disrepair.

A fine tub indeed, I do say! (Photo by Sasha/Getty Images)

Nice tub though. That thing looks like it’s from the 30s. Although, I’m troubled by the man living below who seems to be completely untroubled by the fact that his gigantic TV is repeatedly being dripped upon. Has this man never read a single warning label in his time on this planet? Electricity and water is a bad combo, my pal. And maybe consider looking into a nice workout regimen. Sitting there in a stained undershirt with that grimace on your face. Your self-esteem could use a boost. Forget about watching ab-roller infomercials on the TV. Get your self-image up and go make a move on the hot girl in the bath in the apartment above you, dude. You need this. Do you.

Nine Days was a band from Long Island that had this–and another song, “If I Am”–all over radio for the better part of 2000. Not only did they have catchy-as-hell hooks (check out their other single “If I Am” for further evidence of this), they were hardline torch-bearers in the trend of Rock Bands Who Dressed Like They Were Ready to Go Bowling at a Moment’s Notice. For real, look at those shirts. Set up some pins and those guys were ready to go Alley Cats Strike! on your ass.

So wait. Now the fat slob dropped a cigarette and set his couch on fire… which caused the fire sprinklers to go off… which caused everyone to evacuate the building… which caused an accident in front of the building… which shut down traffic… and somehow every grid that powers the city of Los Angeles was therefore destroyed, causing a power outage that would have generations of economic ramifications.

And Nine Days are in the basement–of this very building–unaffected by the chaos around them, still trying to get it in with the girl whose tears drowned the whole world.

Sure.

Wow. This was 14 years ago. I’m old. Enjoy, kids. And as always, stay off my lawn.

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