Think you've heard of the dumbest lawsuit ever? Think again.

At the end of 2012, a Buffalo Bills fan named Jerry Wojcik--referred to henceforth as Bonehead T. Crybaby--signed up for a text message alert system so he could keep up to date with the goings-on of his favorite football team.

Per the Buffalo News:

Trouble is, he says, the text alerts became too frequent. So now he and his attorneys are suing the Bills, in the form of a class-action lawsuit, complaining that the team sent him a few extra messages.


In their legal papers, his attorneys claim that after he signed up for a Bills program that pledged to send him no more than five text alerts per week, he instead received six messages one week and seven a few weeks later.


That’s a total of three extra texts, over several weeks.

Bonehead T. Crybaby was apparently put under so much duress by these extra alerts that he, like any good member of the Crybaby family, had to take this to federal court. So, he got laughed out of the courtroom like the unbelievably pedantic and insufferable tool that he is and--wait, what?

He won?!

Again, per the Buffalo News:

[I]n a settlement filed last week in federal court in Tampa, Fla., the Bills agreed to provide up to $2.5 million in debit cards to people who had signed up for the text service, along with $562,500 to Wojcik’s lawyers and $5,000 in cash to Wojcik as class representative.


The estimated value of the debit cards that will be issued to class members who received more than five alerts in a given week is $2,487,745. The cards can be used at the Bills store at Ralph Wilson Stadium in Orchard Park or online at the team’s website. They can’t be redeemed for cash.


The debit cards are worth $57.50, $65 or $75, depending on which class tier a fan is assigned to, and the Bills said in a legal filing that an estimated 39,750 phone numbers had been registered through the now-defunct text-messaging service.


Well I don't know who this "Wojcik" guy is, but it sure seems like Bonehead T. Crybaby will be making out pretty well from this deal. Sweet. Glad the United States justice system is being used for important things and not clogged up and bogged down by frivolous nonsense at all.

Now if you'll excuse me, my attorneys are on the line; I'm in the middle of suing every major cable company for $5 billion because they show too many of those Progressive commercials with Flo.